Pat's Never-Fail Guide on How to Pick Up Women at Bars.

It's an art form, really. There is no one perfect way to do it, and it takes a lot of resiliency to keep at it (often because success rate, even for pros, is about 67 percent). But after frequenting clubs, bars, pubs, galas, dance competitions, social gatherings, and maybe even the odd funeral, I've come up with a way that practically works every single time. Again, it's not fool proof, but this method has bumped me up from 67 percent to at least 85, and yes girls, you can use this on guys too. I'm super serious.

Step One:

First of all, find your target, but do it all sneaky like so said target doesn't notice you. It's okay if they're with a group of friends, because this tactic will likely win over the entire group. Give yourself some distance, not too far away, but not to close either. This is purely a judgement call.
Now, you're all set to mack it up.

Step Two:

Stare at them. Unblinking. Haha, just kidding, you can blink, but make sure you don't look away at all. Don't make it creepy, but make it obvious that you're not looking at anything else. Now wait. When they notice, and make sure they are looking directly back at you, you can move onto;

Step Three:

Here, is your choice between the robot and the dead fish dance. If it's your first time trying out the process, I recommend the robot. It's a little easier to do, and doesn't require as much...oomph. Don't do the robot exceptionally well, though, do it like you're not a good dancer but you're trying really hard. Make it choppy and unco-ordinated. If you're confident enough, and you feel you can really boogey, then you can attempt the dead fish dance, which is when you go as stiff as a board with your arms at your sides, and flail your upper body around while keeping your legs completely still. It can be a bit challenging, but when pulled off correctly, it can single handedly put you in business. Make sure while you are dancing, that you don't break eye contact with the target. Remember, this is crucial. You want to make it seem like you are doing this for them, and NO ONE ELSE.

Step Four:

The target will inevitably laugh, and when they do, you give a little chuckle yourself, shoot 'em the double guns, and call them over. Make sure you look confident about doing this whole routine. If you look scared or intimidated at all, the target will know, and you will be for all intents and purposes, a piece of garbage. When they come over, you're really on your own for chit chat, but this maneuver will have them so spell bound that you could basically tell them you kill homeless people and bury them in shallow graves by the interstate, and they will still love you.

The fail safe for this, is if the target ends up shaking their head and shooting you a look of disgust, they are probably not the kind of person you want to be talking to anyways. I guess you could say, this strategy is really just an awesome finder.

So there you have it! The easy Four Step method on how to attract the opposite sex. Go ahead, try it out at your next Bar Mitzva.